


Anamnésis: Missing What We Never Had

by Lilac_Crisis



Category: Original Work
Genre: Arranged Marriage, Children, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, F/M, Family, Historical Fantasy, Parenthood, Pregnancy, Romance, Royalty, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:41:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25624558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilac_Crisis/pseuds/Lilac_Crisis
Summary: "I will never forgive you".These were former duchess Lucrezia Van Harting's last words to her husband Otto Van Harting before mercenaries of Arithea, the country they were exiled from, broke into their house and killed them along with three of their children.But when they are brought back almost thirty years in the past, back to the week of their wedding, Lucrezia and Otto plan to change the future of their family and take revenge on the people who took everything from them.Along the way, they also wonder if they can build something akin to "true love", which they never had in the first place.
Relationships: Original Female Character/Original Male Character
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2





	1. Heartache

**Author's Note:**

> \- Heavily inspired by all the isekai/transmigration manhwas I've read.  
> \- Not intended to be historically accurate on fashion/morals/politics, etc.  
> \- No beta-ed  
> \- No update schedule, I'll come back here in three decades or two days, no inbetween  
> \- Hope you like it!

_1887, Kingdom of Noberinia_

It was cold.

  
It had been raining since mid afternoon and it still hasn't stopped at nighttime. Lucrezia's fever has gone worse and Otto was afraid she would become delirious at any time. He could barely be worried about the child in her swollen belly. He just wanted Lucrezia to get out of this alive.

  
It was his fault, all his. He shouldn't have been so arrogant and pushy months ago, knowing it wouldn't do good to her body to get pregnant again at 43, of all ages. He just didn't think it would work. But then it did and she seemed to keep it just to punish him, knowing her pain would hurt him as well. Such an stubborn woman. He always hated that side of her.

  
Otto hadn't left her side on the bed for two hours now. His third son, Edwin, would offer to take his place from time to time, but he refused. Otto feared she would go and he wouldn't be there to say "goodbye".

  
Because even with so many cold and mixed feelings between them, she was still his wife. The only one who stood by his side through all this mess. In her place, he would have ran away with their children to a more peaceful life. But again, Lucrezia was too stubborn for that.

  
She was asleep now, but her face still had a deep frown as if she was having nightmare. Otto pushed off a lock of hair from her sweating forehead. The red curls had tinges of white on their roots. He also didn't look too young either. At 45, the former duke could pass as someone's grandfather.

  
His thoughts were cut off by light steps at the bedroom's door, whose turned out to be his youngest daughter's. Marianne came carrying a new towel and bowl of water to her mother, looking all too responsible and serious for a seven year old. She was the only child to be born out of Arithea. A life of uncertainty was all that she was used to.

  
"Is mother getting better?" She asked in a low voice, not wanting to wake up the woman.

  
Otto smiled a little, just enough to be seen behind his auburn beard. He took the water bowl from Marianne and ruffled her blonde curls. She looked a lot like his first daughter Amelie. He missed her.

  
"She will be fine, all thanks to you kids' hard work." He assured, secretly wanting to believe in those words as well.

  
The talk seemed to startle Lucrezia, as she slowly opened her sleepy eyes to the two people at her side.

  
"I'm sorry, Lucrezia, did we wake you up?" Otto asked noticing her movement.

"Mama, are you getting better?" Marianne didn't seem to care if it was rude to wake her mother anymore. Her curious and anxious eyes looked over Lucrezia's pale face waiting for any kind of good news.

  
"I'll be well soon." Lucrezia forced a smile for her youngest. "Bet we can go play badminton together by next week."

  
"Really?!"

  
"Maybe not." Otto tried to tone it down. "We can wait after the baby is born, what about it?"

Marianne didn't seem to catch the glare her mother sent to her father, but she was still content with the answer given.

"That sounds fun." She agreed with a toothy smile. "Do you need anything else, Mama?"

"No, dear, I'm fine." Lucrezia assured in a weak voice. "I'm very glad I have you to help me."

  
That made Marianne's eyes shine with pride. She loved to be useful for her family. All her siblings were special, one way or another. Evgenia was blind and could walk the whole town alone, Edwin was smart and could read big books in just four days, Amelie was somewhere in a nunnery praying for all of them to be safe and Leon... Well, Leon was a brave soldier until he died in the war.

"How about you go help your sister with dinner?" Otto suggested to the girl. "Your mother still needs to rest."

"I'll be waiting my goodnight kiss." Lucrezia added with a wink.

  
Marianne nodded and left the bedroom quickly, her hops on the wooden stairs signaling she was very happy about the prospect of her mother playing with her again.

"Badminton? Really, Lucrezia?" Otto turned back to his wife with a frown.

  
"I don't want her to be sad." She sighed, turning her face to the window covered in rain drops. "You can come up with better excuses after I die."

  
"Don't say that." He said threatening.

  
"I'll say what I want." She retorted, but her eyes looked gloomy. "I've never been so sick like this. I can actually feel myself dying this time, Otto."

The lines on her face seemed deeper with such cruel words. She had aged badly, in her opinion. Back in Arithea, women her age were still thriving in social gatherings, showing of their wealthy in beautiful gowns and jewelry, looking much younger than she was now. But Arithea was just a pale picture in her memories. It wouldn't do much dwelling on that.

  
Otto sighed, mustering enough courage to touch her hand.

  
"Lucy..."

"Don't call me that." She hissed, pulling back her hand as if it burned. "I already forbade you of such intimacy."

  
"I just want..." He seemed at a loss of words, ending up staring at the ground in shame. "I'm sorry, Lucrezia. I'm sorry for making you and the children go through all this. If I could go back and change everything for the better, I would do it. I wish you could forgive me."

If Lucrezia had the strength for slapping his face, she would do it. This was such a coward statement from an once proud man. She was disgusted of what had become of Otto Van Harting.

  
And even if he had the power of a God to turn back time and fix back every single mistake in their lives, she wouldn't change her mind. Not when so much blood of the Von Harting's house had been spilled.

"The past can't be changed, Otto. Even if it could, it doesn't change the fact that people were hurt. Your children were hurt." She answered coldly, not a single drop of remorse in her voice. "I will never forgive you."

  
Otto clenched his fists. He was angry at Lucrezia, angry at himself, angry at everything. The worst part of all of this is that he couldn't blame her.

  
Before any of them could say anything, the silence was broken drastically downstairs.

  
There was the sound of doors banging, windows broken, the scream of the girls and then shots. Three of them. Bang, bang, bang.

  
There was also the voice of Edwin calling:

  
"Father...!"

  
He was also silenced by a shot. Now there were voices whispering downstairs and loud footsteps getting closer and closer.

  
Lucrezia sat straighter on the bed, mentally hissing at the effort, but her look was anxious as she stared at the door.

"Otto." She said frightened. "Otto, what's going on, this is...!"

  
He made a gesture to keep her quiet and opened the drawer of the bedside table. There he found the already charged old pistol he kept hidden for these kinds of emergencies.

  
He barely had time to stand up before four to five armed soldiers barged into the room, pointing their rifles at them. Lucrezia screamed and Otto took a step forward as if protecting her.

"In the name of First Marshall Maximillian Lorentz, you are accused of treason and therefore shall..."

  
Otto didn't wait for him to finish before shooting.

  
The bullet hit the shoulder of the soldier talking and he stopped with a startled yell. But Otto's small victory was in vain as another soldier promptly pointed his rifle at him and pulled the trigger.

  
It put a hole in his chest, tinting his shirt in red as he stared in shock at the wound and fell on his knees.

  
" _Otto_!" Lucrezia screamed in horror, not believing in her eyes as blood pooled on the floor beneath her husband's corpse.

The murderer must have pitied her enough to also give her a quick and painful ending. The bullet hit her neck, choking Lucrezia in her own desperate blood. It was with a delirious thought she felt relieved they didn't hurt her unborn child.

  
Before losing conscience, she heard the soldiers cheering:

  
_Long live the Republic of New Arithea!_

  
She felt warm and cold. Stretched and constricted. Falling down and flying above. There were just so many sensations at once, it made her tired.

  
When her senses finally stopped being confusing, she found herself under a soft duvet. This was such a comfortable bed. It had been a long time since she felt one like this. The pillows also felt so good. It reminded her of...

  
Lucrezia finally opened her eyes.

  
She was indeed in a bed, the canopy type. A queen sized one, with pastel coverings to match the closed curtains. It was familiar. Too familiar, to be fair. She had been here before, but when?

  
Just then she realized what happened before she woke up.

  
There were the soldiers, the shots, Otto being killed and then... God, she should have been _dead._

  
Her hand unconsciously reached for her where the bullet wound was supposed to be, but found nothing on the tender pale skin. Then she looked further down on her lap and her mind went blank. Where was her pregnant belly? 

  
Her hands tapped the flat stomach anxiously and she was horrified to find absolutely nothing. Where was her baby? There's no way she had given birth while asleep, she wouldn't feel so recovered as she did now. She was alive, she wasn't hurt anywhere and her unborn child was gone. Just what the hell was going on here?

  
Tired of waiting for answers, she left the strange bed and found herself in a sumptuous bedroom of rosy walls and wooden furniture. There were art supplies on a corner and a bookshelf on the opposite side, plus a comfortable looking chair for reading. It was a perfect room for a noble lady.

And she knew exactly who it belonged to.

Lucrezia couldn't be wrong. She had spent her childhood and adolescence in that bedroom, as Lucrezia de Spinoza, sketching figures as a hobby and learning about the world through lots of foreign books. This was her bedroom in her family's mansion. She was at home.

The woman hasn't been at the Spinoza manor in decades, there was no logical explanation for her to be there.

Her feet headed by instinct to the door, but she stopped abruptly when catching her reflexion in the mirror.

This was her face, but not the one she was used to. This Lucrezia was jovial, with bright ruby hair in a messy braid, colored cheeks with a fair trace of baby fat, absolutely no wrinkles or bags under her confused brown eyes.

Lucrezia was young, as if from over night she had traveled through time.

The words from Otto resounded in her mind:

  
_If I could go back and change everything for the better, I would do it._

  
Lucrezia had no better explanation for that. She was away from her family, she should be dead, she was in her old bedroom and she was young again. She had traveled to the past.

And because she was too shocked by that, she fainted.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait! Thanks for everyone who read, left kudos and comments ❤️  
> Hope you enjoy this short chapter!~~

Lucrezia woke up to a pungent smell right under her nose that made her wake up coughing and breathing for some fresh air. There were relieved sighs and cheers around her, she opened her eyes blearily to find a bunch of servants circling her up around the bed.

  
"Thank God, my lady, we were so worried!" The old family's butler, Lucrezia remembered his name as Giancarlo, exclaimed while putting a small bottle away. Apparently, she woke up because of the smelling salts. 

  
"We found you passed out on the floor and you wouldn't bulge, it was so scary!" A maid in honey-colored braids fretted right by her side. That voice, just who was...

"Ramona?!" Lucrezia sat up and stared at her former beat friend with startled eyes.

"Y-Yes, it's me, my lady...!" Ramona blinked in confusion. "Please, be careful when sitting up, maybe you're still feeling sick!"

  
"Dear God, Ramona!" Lucrezia shocked all the present people by hugging the maid tightly, earning a yelp from the younger one and perplexed stares from the others. "I missed you so much I-"

  
Lucrezia just then realized her mistake and promptly let go of the servant, her face probably getting as red as her hair. They were still staring at her weirdly with reason, because for them it was just a normal day for their cold, elegant young mistress. But actually, Lucrezia had gone back in time and the surprise of it made her faint. The future in which Ramona would be one of the people helping her run away was still far from happening.

"I'm sorry." She apologized heartily for her mistake. Then, this didn't feel realistic coming from the young lady of the Spinoza house, so she added in a more serious tone. "I mean, please forget what just happened right now. I just had... a very weird dream and felt dizzy when I woke up, so that's why I fell."

  
Fanny, her actual personal maid who was still a bit shocked, and jealous, after her mistress hugged a random servant, recomposed herself and nodded at the words.

"It's all fine now, my lady; it's probably the stress of the wedding preparations catching up to you. You should take a proper rest in the next days."

Lucrezia blinked at the word "wedding", silently panicking at just how much back she had gone. But she should keep her calm and act like there was nothing wrong.

  
"...It's probaby it." She agreed while taking a hair strand away from her eyes out of distraction. She probably looked like a mess. "Thank you for caring for me, you can all go back to work now. Fanny, please stay so you can help me get dressed."

  
The servants all nodded in a respectable bow and left the room in a second, leaving only Lucrezia and her maid behind. There was a bowl of water ready for the redhead to wash her face and so she did.

  
As Fanny helped her get dressed in the most modest gown she could find (all of Lucrezia's old dresses were so gaudy it made her almost sick after living a life in cheap clothing), the maid asked unsure:

  
"My lady, did I make any mistake earlier this morning? Or yesterday, maybe?"

Lucrezia, not having a single memory of the day before besides laying sickly on the bed in the future, answered accordingly.

  
"I'm sure not, why would you ask that?" She said straightening up as Fanny adjusted the corset.

  
"Forgive me, but it saddened me that the first person you greeted after waking up was Ramona and not me. I thought this might be a punishment for something I did wrong." She sounded truly mortified at her confession. "Maybe I could have come earlier and prevented that the young miss got hurt. It's truly shameful, I hope you give me the chance to do a better job in the future..."

  
"Fanny, that's not true at all!" Lucrezia actually interrupted the maid's work to look at her in sincerity. "I told you, it was a weird dream, it made me act strangely. I'm not favoring Ramona more than you right now. You will always be my most trustworthy maid."

It was true, all of her words. Ramona will help her in the future, but not as a personal maid, but simply as a servant that would cross the border with them and willingly be used as a bait as they fleed the republican soldiers. It was something she had never been able to pay back in her first life, but maybe now she could. After all, Fanny wouldn't be her maid forever because she would stop working after marrying a merchant in the countryside. It would be a good plan to make Ramona her maid in the Von Harting residence, now that she knew the true essence of some of the house's staff...

  
The Von Harting house... Otto must be there at this moment, alive and safe. There was just so much Lucrezia needed to take into account right now, it was starting to give her a headache. But what if Otto actually came back with her? The wish to change the past was his, at first. They lived together, they died together, it made sense they would get a second chance at life by each other's side.

  
Even if he didn't, shouldn't she at least tell him the truth? It would make her look insane, but she needed help right now. She needed support to change their horrid future into something better for their children...

She already missed them so badly.

  
"...I'm thankful, my lady." Fanny said in clear relief, resuming her work with the dress. "I'll do my best to be a even more dependable maid from now on."

Lucrezia smiled a little. She was never the best with smiles, always a closed-off woman whose demeanor just turned colder as the years went by and she had to overcome so many hardships. Still, she could still manage a sincere smile from time to time.

  
"I'm sure you will." She stared at her old letterbox on the counter. "After the dressing, please prepare paper and ink for me. I shall write a letter to my fiancé."


	3. Foretelling

Otto woke up to the sound of the children screaming. A sound coming only from his brain, apparently; as he sat up drenched in sweat to find himself in an unknown room.

What the hell? He was with Lucrezia a moment ago. There were the soldiers, he shot at one and then... He died. Otto should have been dead right now, but he looked completely fine, with no bullet wound in sight.

Also, where was this place? It didn't look like their apartment, even less a hospital. The bed was large and comfortable, the furniture looked expensive and the walls were adorned in pretty motifs and paintings...

One painting called his attention. A simple lake with children playing. He remembered that specific painting from his childhood, it was one he had in his room.

...This was his room.

The man took a deep breath before pinching his own arm with force. Wake up. He needed to wake up, this was all a pretty strange but realistic dream. Damn, even the pain on his pinched skin was real. This was starting to be unsettling.

He jumped out of the bed, surprised at how light and healthy his body felt. He didn't feel like that since he was a teenager in his prime. Otto decided to look for a book, any kind. People had trouble to read when dreaming, so this probably would do the trick and wake him up to whatever catastrophic reality he belonged to.

He picked a random cover on the shelf and dreaded the oddly familiar smell of books and paper. He could read the title just fine: "The Old Continent's History by L.J Towers." His fingers opened on a random page, his eyes expecting to not be able to understand a thing.

" _The southern tribes had, for long, dealt with the seasonal droughts by building water cisterns where-"_

His hands grasped the book firmly, to the point of crumpling the page. No, no, no. There was something too wrong here. This shouldn't be real, he wasn't supposed to be alive, he wasn't supposed to be back at home. He was supposed to be by his wife's side, protecting his family from the Aritheans' evildoing.

Where was Lucrezia and the children? Were they fine? He wanted to meet them as soon as possible.

The room's door opened and from there entered a young lad in formal wear, carrying what seemed a hanger with a set of clothes. He took a quick glance at Otto and commented normally:

"Good morning, your highness. It seems you woke up earlier than usual..."

"Who the hell are you?" Otto didn't beat around the bush as he took a step behind and watched the stranger's figure with a deep frown. The man seemed mildly surprised.

"Sir...?" Was that some kind of joke? His master wasn't one with such tacky humor.

A slight touch on the glasses as he looked at Otto and then it clicked to him. That movement. That specific movement that was basically a personality trait to a man he hasn't spoke to in ears, who he didn't even know if he was alive. That adjustment on the lenses as if he was ready to give Otto a snarky remark on why Lucrezia wasn't talking to him all week.

"Richard?" The name left his lips on its own, the confused man not believing his own voice and eyes.

"Yes, that's my name, sir." Richard, his valet, said slowly and with slight concern. "Do you have a hangover, maybe? His Highness, your father, wouldn't like you to attend the council meeting reeking of beer."

Father? Duke Werner Von Harting was dead and buried by now. None of that made sense. He hadn't seen Richard in years and he shouldn't look so young. It felt like he had gone back in...

Otto swallowed dryly, the book in his hand still grasped firmly as he tried to make sense of the situation.

"...You really look hangover. Actually, you look a bit sick." Richard sighed, placing the clothes over a chair and heading to open the curtains so the sun could enter the room. "Should I tell His Highness you're not fine to attend?"

"...Yes." He nodded, his voice sounding hoarse but still younger than what he remembered. "What day is today?"

"Wednesday, 9th." Richard answered cordially. "Just three days until your wedding, sir."

Three days until his wedding with Lucrezia?! That meant they were over twenty years in the past! Somehow God has heard his wishes and allowed him to fix his mistakes. Even then, he felt like this was too far back. The kids weren't even born yet.

He felt a pang in his chest, thinking on how much time it would take him to see all of them together again. These years made him a bit soft on his heirs, far more than other fathers of his generation. He missed them already. His last memory of the younger ones was the screams when the soldiers came around.

No, he shook his head vehemently. It wasn't time to longing, he needed to work hard for their sake in the future. He'd do things differently this time. He would be a better father and a better husband for Lucy. This meant he needed to be a better politician and avoid the chaos of the next years from affecting them. He had to act cautiously from now on.

"Forget what I said, I'm attending the meeting." He told Richard, putting the book back on its place. "Please, help me with my clothes and remind me of my other appointments for today."

The young valet nodded and was quick to tend to his master and inform his of today's schedule. Besides the meeting with their vassals, the other events were of lesser importance and could be postponed if he so wished, even more when there was a wedding approaching. When he walked across a mirror, Otto stopped breathing for a moment when seeing his younger frame: auburn hair, no beard, nor wrinkles, even less the exhaustion of the years. He was just twenty-two now, Lucrezia was around nineteen. He would change their lives for the better this time or die trying.

The only interesting event in the meeting was actually seeing his father after so long. Otto couldn't keep himself from hugging the old man tightly, who eyed him skeptically and demanded to know where did that come from. Otto laughed a bit sadly and excused it as him intending to drop the afternoon's meetings to pay a visit to the Spinoza's household, if he so allowed. Werner scoffed and said he didn't need false pleasantries just to let his son go on a date. Be more rational, he grumbled before they sat down in their seats. 

Those meetings were still boring as he remembered, but he made an effort to pay attention to the topics discussed and the names involved. Four years from now, Otto would be appointed as the Prime Minister of Arithea, a prestigious position to aid the king in governing. He wondered if he should step away from the headlights this time, as his title didn't help him at all when revolution broke out. He would put this in consideration when forming a plan later.

Even after the assemble ended, he was expected to stay around to chit-chat with the barons and viscounts about the estate's needs. They also gave him well-wishes on his new married life, hoping the Von Harting's house would be graced with an heir as soon as possible. Otto kept himself from sounding too cocky when thanking them about that. He already knew it wouldn't take long for his first child to be born, if all went according to plan. On top of that, he would have a good number of children in the future. Mostly of them would be born healthy and live long lives, on top of that. He would work for it.

He noticed Richard waiting in a corner and excused himself away from the conversation, already sensing there were important news addressing him. He followed Richard to the hallway and the valet handed him a letter.

"Correspondence from Lady de Spinoza." The man in glasses handed him a letter opener along with the paper. "It's said to be urgent."

Otto opened the envelope hastily, trying to recall how many situations Lucrezia had sent him a letter addressed ad an emergency. The letter's content made him shiver as he took in every word.

_"Dear Lord Von Harting,_

_I hope I'm not bothering you so close to our wedding ceremony. Even then, I would like to tell you this now, as it's profusely bothering me after a strange dream I had. If you don't understand this, please do not fret, as these are just a young bride's nerves getting the best of her. Being straight to the point, I would like to know if these names - Amélie, Leon, Edwin, Evgenia and Marianne - mean anything to you. If they do, I hope you contact me as soon as possible, as I fear we have a lot to discuss before our marriage. Otherwise, please ignore this, as we can talk once again, in private, when we are married._

_From yours truly,_

_Lady Lucrezia de Spinoza."_

"Richard." Otto said still staring at the paper in hand. "Prepare me a carriage. I'm heading to the Spinoza residence."


End file.
